Thursday, October 6, 2011

Hair Product Breakup

Hello, Redken Guts 10. Won't you come in? Sit down? Would you like a cup of coffee? Maybe some tea? A macaroon?

Why am I being so formal, you ask? You've say you've lived in this house for four years, and know me better than this. Well, yes, you have, and you do. I can still remember the first day we met. My hairdresser put you in my hands and told me that you were the product I was waiting for to help with my finely textured but very thick hair. She said you would treat me right, and we went home together to the start of a new relationship. We've had some good times together, shared a laugh and a hair-dryer induced power failure or two. I would sometimes break things off with you to go out with some older products, such as fiber putty, wax pomade and cream gel, but I'd always come back to you in the end. Sometimes, we'd even get a little wild and ask the other products to join us in our morning ritual for a little extra bit of folicular spice on those mornings when the same old, same old wasn't doing it for either of us. Crazy days, Guts 10. Crazy days indeed.

But all good things have to come to an end, you see. And our good thing came to an end a long time ago, I just didn't want to admit it to myself. After all, you're Guts 10! A spray mousse volumizer that has all the great qualities of a mousse (volume) in the ease of a point-and-spray applicator! How could I not fall in love with you? Oh, you still do great things if my hair is freshly washed, but come the second day, when I've cleansed my hair with a cleansing conditioner (all to protect my BFF, Punky Colours), well, you would just drag me down, no matter how gentle I was with your spray applicator, then you'd leave my hair sticky. Let me tell you, Guts 10, no girl anywhere wants to be left sticky at the end of an encounter.

So this weekend, while you were blissfully unaware, luxuriating in your place of honor in the bathroom cabinet, sure of your place in the world and in my heart, I cheated on you. Yes! I cheated. I couldn't help it. I was drawn by the sleek, hot pink packaging, the whispered sweet nothings of strawberry scent and the promise that this time, it would be different. My fine, thick hair would have volume and look fantastic, without all the weighty baggage. As much as I wanted to remain true to you, Guts 10, well, I just couldn't. With a quick glance around to make sure no one I knew saw me do it, I dropped Tigi Superstar Queen for a Day Thickening Spray into my shopping basket and made my way to the checkout line for a weekend of hair volume bliss like I've never known before. My hair was soft, touchable, light as a feather, and full of amazing volume! Why, I hardly even had to do anything to make it work, not even that "hold your head upside down and blow dry" move that you liked so much and claimed made you work so much better. And second day hair? Why, the second day was even better than the first, and there's no way you can make that claim.

I'm sorry, Guts 10, but I think this time our breakup is going to have to be for good. I'm just not the same girl you knew back then. I've moved on and my hair has changed, while you have stayed the same. I just can't do this anymore with you. We had four good years together. Be sure to clean out your space on the shelf and put yourself in that box on the left.


  1. Okay HILARIOUS.  I especially liked the phrase "folicular spice."

  2. Kelli, that's hysterical! You have the best sense of humor!

  3. I seriously lol'd. I've been thinking about checking out some of the Superstar line.


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